13 Years...

It was a day like any other day for myself as a six year old. I went to school, rode the bus home, and I was ready to walk home from the bus stop. My sister met me to walk home together. We went to a yellow corn field to play hide and seek as soon as we got at our house.

At 4:00 we were coming out of the corn field, when we saw my Aunt Jennifer and my step grandmother Betty pull into our driveway. We were curious, but I remembered they said earlier that week they would come visit. However, by the look on their faces, they didn’t look like they came to visit.

“Get in the car, children,” said Betty as she also wiped off a tear.

“Why are you-” I began but she just opened the car door and pushed us in. The ride was quiet as a library full of children reading. I couldn’t help wonder how come my mom didn’t pick us up.

When we pulled up in Betty’s driveway I saw all kinds of cars which belonged to my family.

“Why are all these cars here, Betty?” I asked.

She replied, “Please get out.” I got out and went in. When I opened the door it was like a zoo! No one was talking but they were crying! Betty told me and my sister to go outside until our Granny arrived.

At this point inside my body I asked myself why was everybody crying and not us?!

“Was someone hurt?” I asked myself.

I made my way our side and soon my Granny joined me.

“Matthew, you are going to live with me now.” Granny said.

“W-why’s that?” I said with my teeth chattering as I spoke, even though I was wearing a light jacket.

“Matthew, I don’t know to tell you this…”

“Tell me what.”

“…Your…mother…died.”

“You’re joking, right.”

At first I thought she was joking. When she started crying I believed her.

I started crying too. Now I looked like everyone else. I didn’t understand all my emotions. After all, I was only six. Why was this happening to me?

Inside, my sister was taking it worse than me. And you would think I would because I was little.

I went back into the house and everyone said they hoped I’d feel better soon. They invited me to with them. I felt like a puppy at the pound. I hardly slept that night because there was a lot on my mind. My mom was gone. I thought she would be around forever!?

At the funeral, I tried not to cry and I didn’t much but when I got to the casket, I did. Gospel music followed the sermons at the funeral which was a closed casket.

I’ll never forget my memories with my mom or those sad days around her death.

My aunt told me when I was a lot older that I said in the funeral home, “Mommy, Mommy wake up!”

I wish she would wake up so we both could say good bye.

So if you haven’t figured it out, that is a personal narrative that I wrote…back in the fourth grade…in 2002. Of course, it isn’t my best writing but that is okay because it gets my point across of what this entry is about. Today marks 13 years since my Mom was taken from me. 13 years that I have had to wonder about all the “What-ifs.” 13 years trying to figure out what kind of person she was. 13 years trying to keep the memories of her alive. 13 years to keep her alive in my heart. 13 years telling people that Mom had passed.

13 years is a long time but this year has been really tough on me as I have gotten closer in coming to terms with her death. Now, I get to not only cry about this terrible anniversary but instead, I get to make her proud from some of her own hopes for me. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was looking through my old stuff and I came across my Baby Book that Mom started for me and in the back of the book, a section was called, “Mom’s Letter.” In it, Mom wrote the following letters to me over the six years that I was with her. 

I hope you enjoy life and want to help others and work all time and provide a living for you and your family and not depend on anyone else. I hope you go through school and go to college and make a doctor or lawyer or something you enjoy yourself that pays good or a dentist. Just make something of your life and be kind to everyone and look over and take care of sissy as much as possible. Respect your family always no matter what.  We all love you.

Signed “Mommy”

Date: 10-7-93

Your Age: 6 Months

Tell sissy I want her to make something of her life as well and not depend on anyone. Go through school no matter how hard things get, enjoy herself and be kind and love everyone. I know it’s hard sometimes. Tell her I love her and she’ll always be my baby!

Love Mom

Signed Mommy

Date: 5-30-94

Her age at this time: 7 years old.

I hope you the best in life. It’s a rough world out there. I love you.

12-2-94

Always try and keep this book. You can look back at your young and child hood days!

Undated

Here are the final words of Mom that I get to keep in my heart:

We all love you very much. Be good in school and take care of Sissy. Keep up the good work. Hope you enjoy 1^st grade this year.

7-12-99

Mom would be taken from this Earth in just a little over a month from the time she penned those words down in my Baby Book. I wish that I would have had these words earlier this year and my life through some of the pain that I was going through. As I look back over them, it seems that Mom knew what I would face and it seems that Mom knew how to comfort me in my time of trouble. You know, in all of my troubles that I will continue to face on this Earth, I will return to these words in my time of need because they came from the person who loved me dearly.

Over the past 13 years, I have struggled with wanting to make Mom proud and doing what she would have liked. It seemed like even if I feel like I didn’t, I already have just from these words of love that she had written for me. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I think that with Mom writing these words and me finding them now, at the beginning of my second year at Berea, “Momma knows” what is going to come for me. Even with her just going through the 9^th grade, she knew how rough and hard life would be for me and now I have the opportunity to make her proud and allow her to live through me.

Before I leave you with Mom’s Obituary, I am going to leave words for Mom.

Mom, you had to leave this Earth because God called you home.

I know that you are with me wherever I roam.

It hurts me that you are not here for me now

And on this day I wear a frown.

Come tomorrow, a new day begins

To where I can make your memories continue through the end.

Today I will stop all the what-ifs

Because of your great gift

Gifts of love and of a hope

Don’t worry, Mom, I won’t do dope.

I am still your little boy

Who wants to play with you and with all of my toys.

But now I am also your young man

And on your truth, morals, love and dreams I will stand.

Mom, your Spirit is in me now

And when people see me, they see you and your lovely smile all around.

Although I may now be blue

These words express how greatly, I LOVE YOU.

"I wasn't home when Mama passed away

I didn't get to say I love you
but I got this feelin'

Mama knows, Mama knows
somehow I think she's got a window to my soul
Mama knows, Mama knows
Even when I think it doesn't show
Mama knows, mama knows" (Mama Knows by Shenandoah)
 

Recie Edith Franklin

Recie Edith Franklin, 29, died Friday, August 27, 1999 at Russell County Hospital.

She was a homemaker.

Born in Hamilton County, Ohio on June 30, 1970, she was the daughter of Linda Lawless Ashbrook and Estus Wayne Ashbrook.

Surviving along with her parent are one daughter, Linda Michelle Ashbrook of Russell Springs; one son, Matthew Lee Cape of Russell Springs; her stepmother, Betty Ashbrook of Russell Springs; three brothers, Phillip Ashbrook of Columbia, Dennis McWhorter of Jamestown, and Ricky McWhorter of Russell Springs; two sisters, Rita Campbell of Columbia and Pam Lawless of Jamestown; five stepbrothers and two stepsisters.

Funeral services were held Tuesday, August 31 at Bernard Funeral Home Chapel with the Rev. Jeff Aaron officiating. Special music was provided by The Singing Rexroats.

Pallbearers were Phillip Ashbrook, Dennis McWhorter, Ricky McWhorter, Timmy George, Greg George and Randy George.

Interment was in Whites Chapel Cemetery.

Mommy, you will be missed but your love is still present.

Love,

Matthew

 

Mid-Weed Review

So just a late mid-week update about how my summer has ended and my sophomore year has started. 

I arrived back on campus Sunday afternoon to all kinds of business that I was not expecting. I upperclassmen returning to their bubble, squirrels scurrying to gather their winter nuts, and of course freshman faces of anxiety of what is to come. It surprised me seeing how quickly the life of the campus had come back still with only three days until the fall semester officially kicked off; it is an awesome feeling to see life being restored!!!

However, the next day, I would rant and rave about how I was coned out of $300.00 by the college and reminded about how 1) I need to get back into the swing of asking questions 2) I need to read the fine print and 3) if it looks too good to be true, it probably is. :/ Since this is my blog, I am going to rant to you now. 

So when I completed my FAFSA and the college received it and made my award letter, I was supposed to be receiving the $300.00 from the commonwealth of Kentucky for being a Kentucky student with the KEES award. The KEES award is based on having good grades, and ACT score in high school to where they award will pay for college tuition and such. A great award for Kentucky students who need money like…almost every student in the commonwealth! However, due to taking an internship (ASK MORE QUESTIONS) and getting money from the college, I got too much for me to receive the KEES money in hand-to offset my term bill-and instead it went to pay for my college scholarship (READ FINE PRINT.) I was upset because it seemed like taking an internship would be a great thing to do, however, if it seems too good to be true, it probably is. Very sad. :(

 

Also on Monday, I helped my roommate moved in and helped another friend of mine move in because they are just stragglers like that and almost waited to the last minute. Nah, I am just kidding, they tried getting here as quickly as possible but due to circumstances, they could not. 

Remember how I was speaking about A.R.K (Acts of Random Kindness)? Well, I saw all kinds of those going on Tuesday in preparation for the fall term. I do not say this to boast, but instead be an example of practicing what I preach, I too shared in participating in ARK. It was certainly nice to assist all the anxious freshman and even help returning students out about some confusion. 

WEDNESDAYS WILL BE THE DEATH OF ME!!! Well, maybe not. It’s just that I have a 9-5 schedule with only one hour of free time being lunch. And then I return to the dining hall for supper to run down a few hundred feet to our music hall for a great way to end my busy Wednesday’s with singing with other men and women about the joys of Christ! Such an awesome way to end a night! 

Also last night, I revised my internship paper and turned the style of the paper from MLA to APA…I hate the fact that we are taught MLA but certain majors-like Psychology-require APA format. So that was interesting spending 90 minutes redoing the format. But all is well with the world as I am about to start my second day of my fall semester and I am sure it will be as lovely as ever. :)

 

One last note: Thank You Disney for reminding me of my goal of becoming Dr. Cape….Enjoy this MaDnEsS!

~Matthew

Back Home at Last!!!!

*Sigh of Relief* Ah. It feels so great to be back home in Berea. I thought this day would never come and now HERE IT IS!!!! *Breathe In* *Breathe Out* Now I am calm. Now I can write about how excited I am without GETting TO HaPpY! Who am I kidding, I couldn’t do that!!! :)

Anyway, so I am now home in Berea about to start my second year at the college and so many new things are going on.

1. New Year.
2. New Friendships.
3. New Goals.
4. NEW ME!!!

So now let’s understand these four things before I start breaking out in song. :D

Indeed, it is a new year for me at Berea College. I am excited for what is to come as I reside in a different dorm, have a different job, and a great selection of classes that I think I will enjoy. In fact, I cannot wait to get into my religion course. Of course you can bet that I will have plenty to talk about this course as it seems that we will be understanding Christian love and I will be more than glad to share my thoughts about Christian love because so many people have seen nothing but hatred from people claiming to be Christians. If you are a Christian, do you not remember what the greatest Commandments were? Simply put, Love God. Love People. And that is what I want to do…but I am getting ahead of myself. 

Also this year, I have a different job. Wanna know the title? Of course you do! I am an Assistant Diversity Peer Education Training Workshop Coordinator. Yes, a long title, but a great one at that because I get to help people understand diversity and what it means to be different. But I thought we are all different? In fact, we all are different because we have different beliefs, morals, opinions, etc. etc. Hold Up! Wait a Minute! Put a Little Love In It! One thing that we all have in common is the fact that we all have the same color of blood running through our veins-BLUE! (I will wait to make Sports jokes in a later edition.) But seriously, we have the same color of blood running through our veins and we also have the common molecular make-up of Deoxyribonucleic acid. And when one dies, we will eventually decompose to ashes so we are all different people, yet we all are the same. The college that I attend says it best, “God has made of one blood all peoples of the Earth.”

Secondly, I have already made wonderful new friendships this summer but I know that I will make plenty more this school year. As I grow closer to understanding me as a person, I will grow in friendships. I love talking to people and caring for them. However, ultimately my goal for any friendship is to just be grateful for the friends that I am hanging out with in the now and not worrying about whom I want to hang out or the bad relationships that have ended in the past because most friendships come and go in this time of my life so I just want to be grateful for the many friendships that I will gain AND lose this school year.

Speaking of Goals:

I have a goal of updating this blog twice a week; hopefully on Wednesday and Sundays.

Another goal is get more involved in activities around campus including but not limiting to the great Black Music Ensemble, Berea Ambassadors, Berea Buddies, and hopefully take one quarter credit class of piano.

Another goal of mine is to get something started for college students nightly at the church that I attend. I agree with the thought of “Build and they will come.” Because college students get bored with not having nothing to do (or at least I do) and I want to be able to see programs for all interests of college students beliefs in God. But this is my goal and hopefully will come to pass in the near future.

A final goal that I will disclose to you, reader, is the fact of continuing with a bible study that me and group of friends had going last semester and I hope and pray for it to come to pass.

NEW ME!

Okay, so last year I was accused of changing in a bad way. I don’t think I was but this year, I am going to change; because we all should be in a progressive line of changing ourselves for the better. I will say this, if you think you are the perfect place of being a great …..I will not complete that sentence because NO ONE IS PERFECT and they are some things that you can change about you.

In fact one thing that I want to change is how opinionated I am because that does get me into trouble. Thank God for the greatest right of free speech! But seriously, I know that I can be opinionated about some things but my Momma taught me to stand up for what I believe in and I will NOT change that.

I also want to change the fact of being selfish and be selfless. I want to serve and care for people more starting with my family, close friends, and loved ones. I want them to be happy for this life that they have because there is always someone else who is hurting worse. I want to be selfless because really, I have everything I need right now and I am sure I have more than enough. I want to make people smile. I want people to enjoy this life they have because it is so grateful and such an awesome gift to have.

I just watched Evan Almighty and was reminded of A.R.K. Acts of Random Kindness. I plan on doing this to be selfless. My challenge to you is that you too brighten someone else’s life and participate by working on the ARK. :D

I am excited for what’s to come, I really am. New year + new friendships + new goals + new me = NEW MADNESS!!!!!!

Enjoy this lovely weather. Be kind to one another. And enjoy the MaDnEsS of life!

~Matthew