13 Years...

It was a day like any other day for myself as a six year old. I went to school, rode the bus home, and I was ready to walk home from the bus stop. My sister met me to walk home together. We went to a yellow corn field to play hide and seek as soon as we got at our house.

At 4:00 we were coming out of the corn field, when we saw my Aunt Jennifer and my step grandmother Betty pull into our driveway. We were curious, but I remembered they said earlier that week they would come visit. However, by the look on their faces, they didn’t look like they came to visit.

“Get in the car, children,” said Betty as she also wiped off a tear.

“Why are you-” I began but she just opened the car door and pushed us in. The ride was quiet as a library full of children reading. I couldn’t help wonder how come my mom didn’t pick us up.

When we pulled up in Betty’s driveway I saw all kinds of cars which belonged to my family.

“Why are all these cars here, Betty?” I asked.

She replied, “Please get out.” I got out and went in. When I opened the door it was like a zoo! No one was talking but they were crying! Betty told me and my sister to go outside until our Granny arrived.

At this point inside my body I asked myself why was everybody crying and not us?!

“Was someone hurt?” I asked myself.

I made my way our side and soon my Granny joined me.

“Matthew, you are going to live with me now.” Granny said.

“W-why’s that?” I said with my teeth chattering as I spoke, even though I was wearing a light jacket.

“Matthew, I don’t know to tell you this…”

“Tell me what.”

“…Your…mother…died.”

“You’re joking, right.”

At first I thought she was joking. When she started crying I believed her.

I started crying too. Now I looked like everyone else. I didn’t understand all my emotions. After all, I was only six. Why was this happening to me?

Inside, my sister was taking it worse than me. And you would think I would because I was little.

I went back into the house and everyone said they hoped I’d feel better soon. They invited me to with them. I felt like a puppy at the pound. I hardly slept that night because there was a lot on my mind. My mom was gone. I thought she would be around forever!?

At the funeral, I tried not to cry and I didn’t much but when I got to the casket, I did. Gospel music followed the sermons at the funeral which was a closed casket.

I’ll never forget my memories with my mom or those sad days around her death.

My aunt told me when I was a lot older that I said in the funeral home, “Mommy, Mommy wake up!”

I wish she would wake up so we both could say good bye.

So if you haven’t figured it out, that is a personal narrative that I wrote…back in the fourth grade…in 2002. Of course, it isn’t my best writing but that is okay because it gets my point across of what this entry is about. Today marks 13 years since my Mom was taken from me. 13 years that I have had to wonder about all the “What-ifs.” 13 years trying to figure out what kind of person she was. 13 years trying to keep the memories of her alive. 13 years to keep her alive in my heart. 13 years telling people that Mom had passed.

13 years is a long time but this year has been really tough on me as I have gotten closer in coming to terms with her death. Now, I get to not only cry about this terrible anniversary but instead, I get to make her proud from some of her own hopes for me. 

A couple of weeks ago, I was looking through my old stuff and I came across my Baby Book that Mom started for me and in the back of the book, a section was called, “Mom’s Letter.” In it, Mom wrote the following letters to me over the six years that I was with her. 

I hope you enjoy life and want to help others and work all time and provide a living for you and your family and not depend on anyone else. I hope you go through school and go to college and make a doctor or lawyer or something you enjoy yourself that pays good or a dentist. Just make something of your life and be kind to everyone and look over and take care of sissy as much as possible. Respect your family always no matter what.  We all love you.

Signed “Mommy”

Date: 10-7-93

Your Age: 6 Months

Tell sissy I want her to make something of her life as well and not depend on anyone. Go through school no matter how hard things get, enjoy herself and be kind and love everyone. I know it’s hard sometimes. Tell her I love her and she’ll always be my baby!

Love Mom

Signed Mommy

Date: 5-30-94

Her age at this time: 7 years old.

I hope you the best in life. It’s a rough world out there. I love you.

12-2-94

Always try and keep this book. You can look back at your young and child hood days!

Undated

Here are the final words of Mom that I get to keep in my heart:

We all love you very much. Be good in school and take care of Sissy. Keep up the good work. Hope you enjoy 1^st grade this year.

7-12-99

Mom would be taken from this Earth in just a little over a month from the time she penned those words down in my Baby Book. I wish that I would have had these words earlier this year and my life through some of the pain that I was going through. As I look back over them, it seems that Mom knew what I would face and it seems that Mom knew how to comfort me in my time of trouble. You know, in all of my troubles that I will continue to face on this Earth, I will return to these words in my time of need because they came from the person who loved me dearly.

Over the past 13 years, I have struggled with wanting to make Mom proud and doing what she would have liked. It seemed like even if I feel like I didn’t, I already have just from these words of love that she had written for me. I believe that everything happens for a reason and I think that with Mom writing these words and me finding them now, at the beginning of my second year at Berea, “Momma knows” what is going to come for me. Even with her just going through the 9^th grade, she knew how rough and hard life would be for me and now I have the opportunity to make her proud and allow her to live through me.

Before I leave you with Mom’s Obituary, I am going to leave words for Mom.

Mom, you had to leave this Earth because God called you home.

I know that you are with me wherever I roam.

It hurts me that you are not here for me now

And on this day I wear a frown.

Come tomorrow, a new day begins

To where I can make your memories continue through the end.

Today I will stop all the what-ifs

Because of your great gift

Gifts of love and of a hope

Don’t worry, Mom, I won’t do dope.

I am still your little boy

Who wants to play with you and with all of my toys.

But now I am also your young man

And on your truth, morals, love and dreams I will stand.

Mom, your Spirit is in me now

And when people see me, they see you and your lovely smile all around.

Although I may now be blue

These words express how greatly, I LOVE YOU.

"I wasn't home when Mama passed away

I didn't get to say I love you
but I got this feelin'

Mama knows, Mama knows
somehow I think she's got a window to my soul
Mama knows, Mama knows
Even when I think it doesn't show
Mama knows, mama knows" (Mama Knows by Shenandoah)
 

Recie Edith Franklin

Recie Edith Franklin, 29, died Friday, August 27, 1999 at Russell County Hospital.

She was a homemaker.

Born in Hamilton County, Ohio on June 30, 1970, she was the daughter of Linda Lawless Ashbrook and Estus Wayne Ashbrook.

Surviving along with her parent are one daughter, Linda Michelle Ashbrook of Russell Springs; one son, Matthew Lee Cape of Russell Springs; her stepmother, Betty Ashbrook of Russell Springs; three brothers, Phillip Ashbrook of Columbia, Dennis McWhorter of Jamestown, and Ricky McWhorter of Russell Springs; two sisters, Rita Campbell of Columbia and Pam Lawless of Jamestown; five stepbrothers and two stepsisters.

Funeral services were held Tuesday, August 31 at Bernard Funeral Home Chapel with the Rev. Jeff Aaron officiating. Special music was provided by The Singing Rexroats.

Pallbearers were Phillip Ashbrook, Dennis McWhorter, Ricky McWhorter, Timmy George, Greg George and Randy George.

Interment was in Whites Chapel Cemetery.

Mommy, you will be missed but your love is still present.

Love,

Matthew