Mom,
I really need you right now. I need you to hug me with those
tender hands and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I need to hear
from you that all the worries that I have will all work out. I need to know
that you are proud of me and that you are rooting for me all the way even if I
do get a C in my religion class. Mom, I love you and miss you greatly. I want
to cry just to where I know that you are there for me wiping away my tears. I
want to hold your hand and play with hair as I drift off to sleep—that was
always the trick that made me go to sleep, wasn’t it, Mom? It’s funny how in my
deepest rut, I can always think of you and smile. I your brown hair in mind and
your pretty smile and then your love for me in mind as I write this…it’s almost
Christmas, Mom. I miss going through all the neighborhoods looking at Christmas
lights on Christmas Eve and then going home to put cookies and milk out for
Santa. I miss you Mom. I don’t want anything for Christmas this year but one
thing—I want the family together. I know that that is going to be crazy to
happen and hell may freeze over while it happens, but I want to get the family
together for Christmas but more importantly, I want you physically just for 5 seconds. I want to hug you and tell you that
I love you and everything that I do, I hope that I am making your proud. Mommy,
I miss you, I want you here with me right now as I struggle with classes,
friendships, desires for relationships and everything else that is going on. I
want you to sing me to sleep and wipe all the tears from my eyes. Mom, I love
you and I miss you…I want to make you proud. With everything getting to me, I
feel like I am disappointing you because I am not being strong enough as I just
want to throw everything into a fire, go into the shower stall, and let the
warm water run over me to ease my pain of missing you and the struggles which
is going on. Mommy, I miss you and I can’t hug you so I guess for now I am
still going to miss you and I for now I am going to go to bed, curl into a
ball, and think of you whispering in my ear that everything will work out, I
love you, and it’s okay to cry.
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I want my Mommy back in my life…is that too much to ask?
Love your little baby boy.
Matty
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