A Letter To Mom

Mom,

I really need you right now. I need you to hug me with those tender hands and tell me that everything is going to be okay. I need to hear from you that all the worries that I have will all work out. I need to know that you are proud of me and that you are rooting for me all the way even if I do get a C in my religion class. Mom, I love you and miss you greatly. I want to cry just to where I know that you are there for me wiping away my tears. I want to hold your hand and play with hair as I drift off to sleep—that was always the trick that made me go to sleep, wasn’t it, Mom? It’s funny how in my deepest rut, I can always think of you and smile. I your brown hair in mind and your pretty smile and then your love for me in mind as I write this…it’s almost Christmas, Mom. I miss going through all the neighborhoods looking at Christmas lights on Christmas Eve and then going home to put cookies and milk out for Santa. I miss you Mom. I don’t want anything for Christmas this year but one thing—I want the family together. I know that that is going to be crazy to happen and hell may freeze over while it happens, but I want to get the family together for Christmas but more importantly, I want you physically just for 5 seconds. I want to hug you and tell you that I love you and everything that I do, I hope that I am making your proud. Mommy, I miss you, I want you here with me right now as I struggle with classes, friendships, desires for relationships and everything else that is going on. I want you to sing me to sleep and wipe all the tears from my eyes. Mom, I love you and I miss you…I want to make you proud. With everything getting to me, I feel like I am disappointing you because I am not being strong enough as I just want to throw everything into a fire, go into the shower stall, and let the warm water run over me to ease my pain of missing you and the struggles which is going on. Mommy, I miss you and I can’t hug you so I guess for now I am still going to miss you and I for now I am going to go to bed, curl into a ball, and think of you whispering in my ear that everything will work out, I love you, and it’s okay to cry. 

I want my Mommy back in my life…is that too much to ask?

Love your little baby boy.

Matty

The Puzzle of Life

“My life is over.”
“This will be the death of me.”
“I will be glad when this project is over.”

The final week of class is upon us as college students and so many things are happening but you know what…WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS. You want to know how I know this? Because we got through it last year and the year before that. The final week of classes (as well as finals) will not kill you but instead get you closer to your goal of completing school as well as getting your degree and get you on your future endeavors.

But what happens if you happen to get an “F” in one of your classes for your major? Or cannot seem to get approval to be in the major you want. For some, it is simply “not meant to be.” For others, “It’s not part of the design of my life.” And for myself and others like me, “God did not have it planned for me.” Now, don’t run off yet because I went all Christian but this post is for everyone.

Look at this picture. What do you see? Yes, it is a puzzle piece but think of it this way. This is one stage of your life. Think of it as a present stage in your life right now. For me, it is getting through finals week, thinking about family struggles, relationships with friends…everything that is going on right now. How am I to make sense of this piece in the grand scheme of life? I may only see this small puzzle piece right now but they are other puzzle pieces in my life right now.

They are all right there. Each puzzle pieces represents stages of my life or people in my life or struggles in my life that makes my ultimate life on this earth a pretty picture in the end.

The above picture is what the puzzle pieces together would make—I promise. But at times in our lives we wonder if we are making the right decisions or the right relationship with people or even if everything that we have done is right for ultimate destiny.

Reader, if you are not spiritual, please note that this applies to you as well as the spiritual one. We all have a design in this world and we are all interconnected as well are all made with the same basic concept of DNA and we all die the same way as in the form or ashes. So we are all the same. Today’s actions affect tomorrow’s events but at times we don’t know what is going on in the universe. Just because it seems bad now doesn’t mean it is not going to work out.

Everything will work out for the ultimate beauty of life. Know how I know? Well, I don’t know but I do know that every struggle a person faces, they are people who have been through the same struggle. Yes, college students, every person who has already graduated has faced the dreaded 1000 word essay or 25 page study or even the dissertation of something to get a Ph.D. The work may have been hard to do but look where the ones who completed the work are! For these men and women who have completed the tasks required of them, they are doing what they wanted to do in life and they kept going through the struggles of induced stress to make it to the ultimate goal of theirs. Everything works out in the time that it is meant to happen.

“Away in a Manger” is a beautiful Christmas hymn in which speaks of the birth of Jesus in a peaceful tone and it speaks of the sweet little Jesus being born in a manger…would you say that this is what you think of when hearing that song?

But Jesus Christ was born into something like this.

You see, the manger was used to welcome in a King but can be compared to the single puzzle piece above as Mary and Joseph could not understand what was going on in the grand scheme of God’s plans to have His Son born in a pigsty in the ultimate plan for salvation. So to Mary and Joseph, they were thinking, “God, what are you doing? This makes no sense. We don’t understand.” Well, you don’t have to understand everything because God has everything taken care of with all the plans that He has and everything that He will do to show His love to the world and you know what? His brain will not even explode from thinking about everything like yours and mine does.

So when you think that everything is not going to work out with everything that is going on in. Think of this flow of pictures: the little piece is just a stage in your life where other pieces intertwine to make something beautiful in the end.

Everything will work out. I promise. You can make through this week of final classes and finals and then you can enjoy your break…I promise!

Halloween...7 DAYS TO GO!!!

One of my ALL time favorite songs for Halloween. The holidays are upon us. GETTING VERY EXCITED.

Punctual Obscene Raw Nemesis

This past couple of weeks have been really, really hard for me and I have had a lot go on in my mind. But one thing remains the messages from God that I have received from sermons, friends, and conversations. Before I begin, let me pray.

Father, You know my heart and You know that I am terribly afraid of what people will think of me. But then again, I only need You. As I write what you have laid on my heart, please allow me to come across tactful and allow me to use the resources that you have given me to get this message across. I pray that You will speak to anyone who reads this and I pray that the story that You have laid upon my heart will not hinder anyone’s journey with You but instead will strengthen it and allow people to see You  instead of me. Father, I do not want to take Your glory as this is what it is all about. Again, use me to Your advantage and allow people to see You instead of me. In Your Son’s name, Amen.

I Like It by Enrique Iglesias.

Who Dat Girl by Flo Rida.

 Candyman by Glee Cast.

Do You Wanna Touch Me by Glee Cast.

Teenage Dream by Glee Cast.

Animals by Nickelback.

Poker Face by Lady Gaga.

 It Wasn’t Me by Shaggy.

I Can Make You A Man by Tim Curry.

Dirty Dancer by Usher, Lil Wayne, and Enrique Iglesias.

10 songs are above. 10 songs in which I sadly have on my Spotify list of My Tunes. 10 songs in which have some type of sexual link to them. I will not go into detail in this but some of them are very detailed in one’s sex life or desires for sex. Is this bad? Is this something that I should be listening to? A final question to think about…is this pornography? According to Merriam-Webster online:

Definition of PORNOGRAPHY

1: the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement

2: material (as books or a photograph) that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement

3: the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction <the pornography of violence>

Please read the following and then I will return to my writing to come back to this question.

The following is an abbreviated form of a sermon by Matt Chandler from the Village Church. You can find the podcast in i-Tunes from the sermon called, “Freedom in the Fight” or follow this link: http://feeds.feedburner.com/TVCSermonAudio

The bible says that sex goes beyond a physical act: “..a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh (Gen. 2:24).” Hebrew word for marital connective sex is: dode.  A literal meaning is: mingling of souls. Sex is not just a physical act. It’s a mere physical act to put your mind, heart, and soul at risk.

Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ himself? Shall I then take the members of Christ and unite them with a prostitute? Never! Do you not know that he who unites himself with a prostitute is one with her in body? For it is said, “The two will become one flesh.” But whoever is united with the Lord is one with him in spirit. (I Cor. 6:15-17). Sex outside of marriage is a sin outside our bodies!

God’s plan of sex is far better than the world’s definition of sex in a marriage: Spiritually, Emotionally and physically which makes the satisfaction of the act occur. When we are treating sex as just as a physical act, we are damaging our soul.

All data-secular and Christian-points to the reality that our view of sexuality is not eradicating loneliness or creating environments that sustain mutual respect among genders nor is it creating environments where children are healthily sustained and encouraged. And it is not doing the things that it promises to do!

Our culture is so displeased with sex that it is more concerned about the technique than frequency of sex—just look at Cosmopolitan or Men’s Health and you will see magazine articles about how to “drive your [mate] wild.” Frequency is not solving anyone’s despair! Sex is a part of spiritual, emotion, and relationship connectivity. Outside of God’s connection, sex will NOT get us satisfaction!!!

When did our sexuality become the definition of ourselves? We over-sexualize everything now!

“But I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” Matthew 7:28. Lustful intent: taking from another person (mentally) what is not yours! Number one way that we meet this lustful intent is through: Pornography and Fantasy.

• Pornography is illicit material. From images to clips, catalogs, romance novels, etc. Anything that can create an alternate reality that creates an attitude to what you do not have. Pornography and Fantasy therefore dehumanizes people.

The next time you click on that link, or when you stare at that check-out clerk, or looking   at the magazine at a book store, think of their stories! That is somebodies sister, daughter, son, or dad! Do you realize that? They have a story!

Pornography takes in more money than all three professional sports-basketball, baseball, football-COMBINED! We are spending more on pornography than those sports!!! But do you ever think of what happened to those men, those women to get them to that type of desperation? No matter the smiles on their faces in the porn industry, those actions are dehumanizing the people involved! We are eating it up as if there is no real loss at all!

• Pornography rewires our brain. When we view pornography, we are creating pathways in our brain. Simply think of Pavlov’s dogs. As we get to the satisfaction, we then get rewired that the porn can only be used to fulfill our desires.

We can get to the point of where sometimes we only desire porn than a real person! John Mayer did an interview with Playboy Magazine and in that interview he highly praised internet pornography. Do you realize who he is dating? He has dated some of the most beautiful women yet he still would rather have his computer.

Instead of a real person, people like this think “I would rather just sit in my living room with my pants around my ankles.” That happens when we rewire our brain with porn! Some men and women have issues making love to their spouses without first viewing pornography. How would that make the spouse feel?

• Simply put, Porn is corrosive!

This is such a serious issue to your soul! Look at what Jesus said, [insert Mtw. 5:29-30]. This is a serious call to action! We now have to battle this on two different fronts-spiritual and physical! Sex is everywhere but we need a two-prong attack.

• The greatest weapon is a vibrant, growing relationship with Jesus Christ. BEST weapon!

Christianity is not a list of do’s or don’ts but it is a living relationship with Christ! Without a relationship with Jesus Christ, you will always have lustful intent. With Jesus Christ, that good looking guy or beautiful woman soon stops being an object and soon becomes a sister or a brother. This allows that dehumanizing of people to stop. We want to be studying the word of God not to know the word of God but to know the God of the word!

• Use your Wisdom!

What you allow in your home in regards via internet, cable, or even Facebook! Be careful and realize that this is dangerous. So maybe you need to shut down your Facebook page and stop fishing.

If you are single, you should not lay down together on a couch at 11:00 PM and watch a movie. Isn’t that going to end a certain way? If you’re “Let’s get in our pajamas and watch a movie” and it is 11 o’clock at night, that is ending someway!

Walking in wisdom is seeing men and women as a brother and sister but more importantly as souls, hearts, and see them as sons and daughters of the King.

Don’t feel the weight of shame, here. But it is my prayer that you will feel convicted. This text requires action. So do you have to pluck out your eye or cut off your hand? What will that look like? Sometimes we need to respond to the word of God by confession and repentance. My hope for you is relationally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically is that you will enjoy everything in God. Thankfully the cross gives us mulligan-a do-over. Please do the do-over. Lay this issue down at His feet and let your healing begin.

Now back to the MaDnEsS.

So with Webster’s definition and then Matt Chandler’s definition of pornography, the songs on my Spotify list are essentially pornography, right? And they are also something that I must get rid of—I will speak about that momentarily.

Pornography—as seen in this sermon—is a serious, serious issue! Porn use is inherently self-centered and is only about fulfillment. A different way to put one of the points mentioned above is: “When it comes to fulfillment, fantasy can’t compete with reality” (Kevin Slemp, Sacred Sexuality, September 23, 2012). 

What were you doing at age four? Like most four year olds, I would hope that you were watching Sesame Street or Barney or even Tom & Jerry but I would also hope that you were in preschool (or kindergarten) gaining education. Sadly, when I was around four, I was introduced to pornography. This was detrimental to me as I would gain an addiction to pornography and still have an issue getting away from it.

THERE IS HOPE!!! “Through God’s forgiveness and grace, and only by His grace, we can be the loving, pure people that God wants us to be” (Kevin Slemp). I feel very much like Paul when he wrote in Romans chapter seven verse eighteen, For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right but not the ability to carry it out.

We all get tempted with desires in our own heart. Unfortunately, I have given people whom I feel are friends the wrong message. This fall semester, I have discussed pornography at minimum a dozen times. At minimum!!! What does that say about my relationship with God? It simply says that I want what this world has to offer instead of waiting on my reward that He will grant to me but more importantly, what He is preparing for me.

Eventually—I am sure—God will grant to me a wife and a family. I will have to tell her of this issue but my desire is to not have this be an issue in our marriage. I do not want to look at a woman sexually until I am married to her—that is another entry for another time. I also know that I can start preparing my heart now for the marriage. What that means is that I have to amputate—or pluck out—everything that causes me to sin or even could cause me to sin.

This is includes but not limited to: Music, Movies, Books, Magazines, Internet Access, and possible friends.  As I just typed out that sentence, I deleted the playlist entitled, “My Tunes” in which some of the songs where found. I simply do not need them. I am not going to tell you what to do but I know that I do not need songs, movies, or anything else that can make sin sexually because I do not want my mind rewired to where I do not find the gift of sex with my future wife to not be a gift but instead an unsatisfaction. 

I put Internet Access. That is my trigger. What is yours? Is there something that you know of that causes you to fall sexually? Is there something that you can get rid of to make your journey on this Earth better? Or even more important, is there something that you can do to make your walk with God improved? Right now, I am trying to do everything that I can to make sure that my walk with the Lord is as great as it can be and listing every obstacle that I can think of to where I can follow Him better. I am not being horrible but instead, I am calling on Jesus to get closer to Him and allow Him to guide my life to where I can be a light even in the darkness.

As I end, please watch this video and just think about everything in this 2,000 plus word entry. This entry may not needed to be posted but this is something that I needed to do and something that may help someone else.

Father, as I think of everything that has been said, I pray for anyone struggling with pornography or sexual immorality. I know that being in that place is a dark and lonely place to be. Father, I pray that You will put someone in the life of anyone struggling with porn addiction to where Your son or daughter may be drawn closer to You. Father, I ask that You bless each and every person who has read this and I ask that You send the Holy Spirit down to make sure that Satan does not twist what has been written but instead Your Spirit will show Your loving mercies and grace to anyone who Satan changes to condemnation. I know, Father, that there is NO condemnation in You—pass that on to anyone who needs to know that. Father, I pray for myself that You will help me continue to seek You and allow You to work in my life. I ask all of this in Your Son’s name. Amen.

More Precious Than Gold

“You’ll shoot your eye out, kid!” Do you remember that overused statement from A Christmas Story? If you don’t, watch this! 

Yesterday, I heard that statement going through my mind over and over and over and over and over again due to my decision of going to the eye doctor for an annual appointment but soon made a decision that I think will be a great decision on my part: I have decided to use contacts for a while in my life. Sure, I will have glasses but contacts are just something safer for me whenever I am doing any sport activities and I don’t have to worry about something hitting my glasses and them bending. So this is an investment that I am willing to make to where I can see the whole picture instead of looking through a framed world; after all, seeing the whole picture is a good thing, right? 

But back to my opening quote. 

While at the eye doctor going through the contact fitting portion of my appointment, it took me 45 minutes to get my contacts in both eyes. Sure, that is not too long compared to stories that I have heard where it took 2-3 hours to getting them in or ultimately having the assistants at the eye doctor put them in instead of the patient. I guess that is good for me that it only took 45 minutes for me, yet only took TWO minutes getting them out! 

Upon arriving back to my dorm, I decided to go frame less and wear my contacts for my first four hour period—apparently, you have to train your eyes not only getting used to “shooting your eye out” but your eyes must adjust to your newer prescription as well as having something in them. Anyway, last night it took me 12 minutes yesterday getting my contacts in my eyes and then today it took me 15 minutes getting them in! YAY ME!!! But apparently, “contacts are the worst part” of someone’s day, according to some of my friends.

My normal Friday night practice of doing absolutely nothing was interrupted last night when a friend of mine invited me to a campus sponsored party. Ya know? It was the most fun that I have had being in Berea! I loved it! Sure, I do not know how to dance—if you can it that—but it was fun dancing with friends and people who just needed to have something to do on a Friday night. It was fun. Just look at these photos of us dressed up and enjoying a night of fun and relaxation afterward. 

So this week as a whole has been pretty good. I have learned to do some re framing of my perceptions on life, met new friends, watched The Glee Project music videos in my Psychology class, enjoyed the company of friends watching the fourth season premiere of Glee, and then receiving contacts. This week has been pretty good and actually productive. It is my desire that this weekend will be such as productive. 

I have to study for my Psychology test that is coming up on Thursday.

Read two chapters for my Religion course.

Do a writing assignment for my Peace and Social Justice course.

Revise my internship research paper.

And then relax! 

So, with that in mind and after writing about “shooting my eye out,” learning to “dance,” and having a productive week, I need to start my productive weekend. Do have a good weekend. 

Love,

Matty

In Need of Answers....

Today, I received the monthly newsletter from the church that I used to attend back home. In it, I see three announcements for the churches celebration of 125^th anniversary for the churches founding. If you do not know, I stopped attending this church for a couple of different reasons.

I wanted Dual-Membership and the church that I attended back home did not like that; well the way I went about wanting to join a church with dual membership.

Apparently, I don’t believe the same beliefs of the church back home.

Apparently, I “put down” the church when I posted the following on Facebook: "it's when a sinner makes the Lord his choice, that's when the Angels rejoice!" and beliefs that if "anyone who confessed with their mouth that Jesus is Lord and believe in their heart that God raised Him from the dead will be saved." Today, two children of God will obey God's Word in baptism at a church back home and I am so excited to know these two young adults. Thank God for being with prayers for them to come to God. However, I feel that baptism is NOT necessary for salvation. NOTE: Not trying to be controversial with this statues as I so seem to be.

Finally, with the sharing of this video, I was told that I do not know anything about religion and I have changed.

So when I finally made my decision that I had to make of keeping my membership up at the church that I attend now and then remove my membership from that church, I sent this letter of how I felt about it all and asked for my membership to be removed:

In this life things happen. Things that we cannot explain except by the power of God and I find a situation that was evolved around me to have been just that but let me explain more.

Due to me obeying God’s will, I asked for dual membership at -------Church-the church that I attend while in Berea-on February 26^th. ------- Church offers a dual membership policy at their church for anyone (mainly college students) who do not want to leave their home churches membership yet still wants to be a member at ------ Church. I had been thinking about making this decision for a while but was planning on making the decision upon more discussion with the pastor there and Brother ------- to think about it. However, I decided this was meant for me when participating in their annual Men’s Day through the Holy Spirit’s work.

I was excited for this as the Spirit led me to do such a thing and felt that this was what God wanted for my life. However, a controversy broke out.

Due to beliefs here (back home), some find that dual membership is wrong as a person cannot belong to two different churches especially being two different denominations. I find this mindset to be wrong, but want to show respect to the people whom I still love and adore and think as family whenever I am in Berea by not causing them any more pain.

I have thought long and hard over such a decision of where I want my membership to belong. Here-my home church-or do I want to belong to a church where I will be attending for the next three years? A decision has been made out of respect, love, and honor to the people involved.

My decision to heed to God’s will has not only affected me but this church as well and therefore I feel that I will ask that my membership be removed from --------- Church to where I can have membership at ----------- Church as dual membership is not possible at the moment.

I love each and every person here, member and non-member. I pray for each one of you daily and I hope that you pray for me too. I want to be able to feel welcomed and I want to be called family when I return home in the summer and breaks.

Thank you for supporting me in everything over the years and thank you for being a great church to come home to over breaks. I am sorry if I upset people here in making a decision to have dual membership but I wanted to be able to serve in both churches and make decisions at both churches. I love and respect everyone here greatly and I ask that you will continue to love and respect me as I go through this tough decision and become a member at a sister congregation.

God Bless.

I soon got this request from the pastor of the church back home:

MATT, IN RESPONSE TO YOUR LETTER WE RECEIVED ABOUT YOUR FEELINGS, WE WOULD LIKE TO REPLY. NO ONE AT *** CARED THAT YOU CHOSE TO JOIN -------, THE PROBLEM BEING IS THE WAY YOU WENT ABOUT DOING IT!
MATTHEW, WE FELT IT WAS WRONG FOR U TO GET ON THE INTERNET AND ANNOUNCE THAT U HAD JOINED
***, YOU DID NOT HAVE THE COURESTY TO TALK TO US OR ANYONE ELSE AT ***.WE FELT WE WERE CLOSER THAN THAT. WE WANT TO BE YOUR FRIEND BUT FEEL THAT THE BOND IS BROKEN.
YOU NOW HAVE A NEW FAMILY, AND A NEW CHURCH, AND NEW BELIEFS THAT ARE DIFFERENT FROM OUR BELIEFS.
WHEN U WROTE ABOUT [the two children from that church] BEING BAPTIZED, U SAID U DIDN'T THINK U NEEDED TO BE BAPTIZED TO BE SAVED.
THOSE THAT READ IT ON THE INTERNET,'' INCLUDING US'' FELT IT WAS A PUT DOWN OF WHAT WE AT *** STAND FOR. ARE WE ANY BETTER THAN CHRIST HIMSELF WHO HAD NO SIN BUT WANTED TO PLEASE OUR FATHER IN HEAVEN--MATT 3:13-17
NO ONE ASKED U AT *** TO LEAVE AND JOIN ANOTHER CHURCH, U MADE THAT CHOICE. U ALSO STATED TO THE WORLD THAT U NO LONGER BELIEVE LIKE WE DO AT ***--READ 1ST COR 12: 24-25.
THE ELDERS AND I GRANT YOUR REQUEST TO JOIN ANOTHER CHURCH, AND WE WILL BE REMOVING YOUR MEMBERSHIP FROM *** AT THIS TIME. OUR PRAYER IS THAT GOD WILL BLESS U IN YOUR CHRISTIAN WALK. GOD BLESS

P.S. FELL FREE TO COME WORSHIP WITH US ANYTIME, AS ------ AND I DO WHE WE ATTEND *** AS FORMER MEMBERS

I then responded with this:

Upon reading these words, one thing is still unclear to me. In the letter, I put that I was hoping that we were still a family. I will ask plain and clear: Am I still part of y'alls family? Is it still [our family]? I know that it may not be the same, but I want things to be the same before all of this? I want to be able to come home and then come to my second home. I want to be able to be a part of your life. I still care for you both, deeply. I thought that I put that in the letter but let me say it again, I love you deeply, miss you greatly, and want you both to be a part of my life miserably. You said that you want to be my friend, but I want you to be my Mom and Dad-a friend as well as my mother and father. Let me also say this again, I was not trying to put down anyone; I think words were taken out of context. Also, I may have a "new family," "new church" but my thoughts are not new just a different outlook. As far as putting a label on anything, I am not a Baptist-it may seem that way, but I am a Christian who just happens to worship at baptist church. So, again, am I still your Son or am I being cut off from the family?

Just a few minutes later, I was sent this e-mail:

MATTHEW-You are still our friend, but as we said the bond we had has been broken! As far as the family goes, your family supported you in your decisions. You need to belong to your family! THIS IS A GOOD THING. Sorry, but we feel you need to be with your own family. We feel since things are not the same, it is better for you and better for us. We pray that the Lord will work with you and help you with all the confusing things you need to work out. We did not take you from our family, you made that choice! god bless!!!

Reader, I hope that you have followed this story but now my question is this: After going through all of this, do I return to the home church that did not like my opinions for the 125^th anniversary of the church? Or do I do not? I have until the end of the month to decide and I am now asking you for your respectful opinions.

In need of answers.

~Matthew